manage differences

Managing family disputes

Mother: Fatima, the hall looks like a mess. Arrange it. Fatima: I did not cause this mess. Why don’t Zainab tidy it!!...

Mother: Thank you for your duties. Son: I want to finish it in the evening,

Mother: But you are tired in the evening. We agreed that the homework would be done immediately after school...

Father: Zaid had to be punished for what he did... You should be lenient with him. Mother: Zaid is no longer young. Dialogue and persuasion are necessary...

Mother: It is time to turn off these electronic devices and do other work. Khaled: But Zaid spent more time playing than me. You always give him more opportunity to play…

No family is devoid of disagreements, and the most important reasons for them are: household chores, sibling rivalry, family laws, school duties, grades and the level of children’s achievement, differences in educational orientations and methods of dealing with children between the parents, financial aspects (expenses, salary), and disagreements increase when the children reach adulthood. Until the teenage years, when the son’s mental abilities grow, he seeks to understand and discuss the family situations and laws that he accepted when he was young, and he needs a greater space of freedom, and he tries to become independent and self-reliant.

In some families, these disputes take a dangerous turn that threatens family cohesion and heralds the emergence of unhealthy symptoms such as: escaping from the family environment by becoming addicted to the Internet, withdrawing from family sessions, or indulging in personal interests far from the family, while in other families, disputes appear to be merely temporary and temporary situations. To disappear so that the family remains in harmony and peace.

Why do disagreements increase and worsen? What are the methods used to resolve disputes and mitigate their effects?

There is a family atmosphere that is fertile for disagreements, the most important of which are:

✓ Control and control, where orders are imposed without understanding or consultation.

✓ Trial: where all situations are evaluated and judged and treated as if they were cases presented in a trial court.

✓ Criticism: Focus on errors and gaps.

✓ Contempt and lack of respect.

There are some methods that will increase the intensity of disputes:

• Ignoring problems and running away from them.

• changing the subject.

• Emotional reaction: responding violently, aggressively, or with contempt.

• Throwing accusations and holding the other party responsible for mistakes.

• Defensiveness and making excuses.

• Transferring the problem to others to solve it.

The previous methods have in common that they are ineffective and destructive to family relationships. How do these methods arise?

There are some factors that cause the appearance of these styles, which are:

✓ Nurture: The behavior followed in resolving disputes within the family and situations of conflict and confrontation

Transmitted from generation to generation.

✓ Role models: New ways of dealing with disagreements are acquired through role models that a person influences in his life, such as a teacher, manager, or friend, and from them he acquires, intentionally or unintentionally, methods for resolving disagreements and dealing with them.

✓ Economic and social status: where a person acquires a status that leads some individuals to a sense of authority, reduces the fear of confrontation, and increases the possibility of engaging in repeated confrontations.

✓ Gender: Males are generally encouraged to use confrontational style more than females.

There are important recommendations to reduce disagreement, perhaps the most prominent of which are:

1. It is necessary to analyze the causes of disagreement, limit the situations that cause them, and make a list of controversial matters, whether those that are particularly inflammatory in this family or those that are generally controversial in all family environments, and define laws that prevent the recurrence of these behaviors. Examples of matters include The special thing that may be irritating to parents is that they become angry and angry, and verbal arguments and disagreements occur when a family member talks on the cell phone at lunchtime. Here, it is important for the family to establish a law that prohibits answering the cell phone at lunchtime. Among the general matters that cause disagreement are: Raising the voice and shouting: It is important for the family to have a law obligating family members not to raise the voice or scream, and that whoever finds it difficult to do so must leave the situation until he calms down and is able to speak without screaming. An important law in this context is also not to use threats (such as if If you do such-and-such, I will break your game. Do not insult, curse, or call names (such as: selfish, silly...). Instead, talk about the offensive act and not the person. Do not insult, belittle, or trivialize opinions, as they only lead to igniting anger, defensiveness, and increasing disagreement.

2. Family members’ commitment to dialogue: This means that each family member has the right to speak and be heard with respect and without interruption. He achieves some of what he wants and gives up some in order for another person to get what he wants as well.

3. Flexibility and mitigation of conditions in times of intense disagreement and not focusing on simple mistakes. The straw can break the camel's back if it is overburdened to the utmost degree.

4. Family members, such as a team, must participate in recording the proposed solutions. A family contract can be written for everyone to sign. One of the funny situations I experienced in this context was one of the wives whose husband was accustomed to criticizing him when eating the meals his wife prepared, to the point that it became a psychological pressure for her. I came to visit her one day and found a contract signed by her husband that I hung on the door of the refrigerator. I, the undersigned, pledged not to comment or criticize the meals my wife serves, and if I did, I would have to do such and such..., and indeed the husband noticed the amount of psychological pressure that this behavior caused to his wife, and the intensity eased. Disagreements.

5. Pay attention to non-verbal factors: challenging movements, sarcastic or disgusted facial expressions, hostile tone of voice. These silent factors have a serious role in exacerbating conflict situations.

6. Paying attention to the style of speaking is one of the important guidelines in reducing disagreement:

A- Using the first-person “I” style, instead of the “you” style, to reduce the tone of accusation towards the other party or place responsibility on him: “I feel upset that the games remain like this” instead of “You are not helping with the arrangement.”

B- Avoid the method of generalization, “As usual, you do not stick to appointments,” or the method of rejection, “You will never change.” Avoid the method of blaming. Instead of saying, “Why haven’t you tidied your room?” we can say, “Your room is still not tidy,” and instead of, “Why haven’t you tidied your room?” Your duties so far."

7. Ensuring the strengthening of relationships within the family by working on each individual’s understanding of the other party, listening and listening to the points of view, making him feel appreciated and loved, and praising the son whenever he shows a positive behavioral sign. By creating times of family enjoyment to remove the effects of disagreements, it is important to pay attention to the positive atmosphere and increase its frequency. To remove the negative atmosphere left by disagreements, provided that it is arranged at the suggestion of the children (the garden of the house, a park, a restaurant) in which there are no unwanted discussions or criticism.

8. Do not let matters escalate and seek advice for help when the dispute intensifies and continues, in order to determine the roots of the problems and the aspects that should be focused on in resolving the disputes.

9. Paying attention to using the point reinforcement method to modify undesirable behaviors, provided that it is used effectively. To achieve this, the following matters should be taken into account in its application:

A- The parents determine the behaviors they want to modify in their children (neglecting duties, not cooperating in work, insults and inappropriate responses, quarreling...) and then choose one or two of them. Design a board that includes the days of the week horizontally and the specific behavior vertically.

B- It uses positive language. Instead of writing: He did not do the homework, we write: He did the homework immediately after school.

T- Discuss the purpose of the painting with the children and that its purpose is to help them get rid of the causes of disagreement and acquire positive characteristics and social skills.

D- Determine the rewards and gains that can be achieved by earning points, which must be reasonable and appropriate for behavior.

C- Determine the number of points for each behavior. Simple tasks get fewer points, and difficult and difficult tasks get more points.

H- Points are recorded on a daily and instant basis, and rewards are provided every week.

X- The modified behavior will be deleted from the dashboard list and another behavior will be placed in its place.

D- A number of points are erased in cases where the son falls into cursing or bad manners...

I- Problems that require time to show results, such as the son’s achievement level, are divided into parts and the son is rewarded for performing his duties perfectly in a shorter time of 30-50 minutes.

Children in the family learn how to deal with disputes and use the same methods that parents use with their peers, so it is important to focus on methods for resolving conflict in the family and providing a role model for children in their social lives.

Dr.. Sahar bint Abdul Latif Kurdi

Family and child counselor