Reward or punishment in children's politeness

Reward or punishment

I was in the market and I was stopped by the sound of a slap given to her son by a mother on the back of her neck. It was his fault that he tried to explore the trash can with a sliding top that swayed right and left if you pressed on one end. The mother did not speak a single word before or after the slap, nor did the son. All he did was He shrank to himself and then continued his walk as if he had become accustomed to it, until I asked myself: Has this become the language of understanding that this mother uses with her son?

Why did the mother do that? What result do you want to achieve from this?

There is no doubt that the mother wanted to improve her son’s behavior. Was she successful in doing so? What does corporal punishment achieve? What is the alternative? How do children learn desirable behaviors and stop undesirable behaviors?

When do we consider the son’s behavior to be a problem that needs to be modified? It is necessary to look at the son’s age, his personality, and his level of maturity. Each age has characteristics and demands in light of which expectations are formulated. Parents often expect behaviors from their children that exceed their age and maturity, and hold them accountable for behaviors that are considered normal and expected at their age. In the aforementioned situation, a normal child tends to explore things. He placed the new trash around him and examined it with his hand. The mother only had to give the child some facts about the trash and that it was unclean, explain to him its uses, and give him the opportunity to try it by throwing a handkerchief in it, for example, to satisfy his curiosity and desire to explore. The slap that the son received did not teach him anything except that he was bad and that he had committed a mistake that he should not repeat.

Researchers in the field of children’s behavior and its evaluation methods confirm that reward is stronger than punishment in acquiring good behaviors and getting rid of bad behaviors, and the value and effectiveness of reward increases with younger children. In a study conducted on samples of children aged 8-9 years and at the age of 11-12, the sensors showed According to EEG, there is an increase in activity resulting from reward in the younger group and their enthusiasm to repeat the desired behavior.

What if the son deliberately repeats the negative behavior and does not care about repeating the punishment? Experts often advise using ignorance to modify undesirable behaviors. Ignoring is met with objection from some parents, who see it as a conflict with their mission to correct behavior and consider it tantamount to accepting the behavior and remaining silent about it.

There is a saying that I often mention in my educational consultations - which explains the effectiveness of ignoring - “The charade ends when the audience leaves.” This is because paying attention to the child’s behavior - even if it is through punishment - makes the child feel that the behavior is important to the parents and that it is effective in attracting their attention. While ignoring this opportunity misses.

Attention is a form of reward, and ignoring is a form of punishment. Parents can use this effective method to reinforce positive behaviors and reduce negative behaviors. They direct their attention when children behave well, and divert their attention when they misbehave.

How to use the technique of ignoring:

• The neglect must be complete, meaning that we do not look at the son or say anything while the behavior is occurring. Even looking furtively, smiling, or frowning should all be avoided, and if the mother says, “I don’t see what you are doing,” then she has given him attention.

• Start by ignoring when the behavior starts and stop soon after it stops.

• If the educator faces difficulty in ignoring, he must occupy himself with something to help himself apply ignoring effectively.

To use the art of ignoring to modify children’s behavior, there are conditions, the most important of which are:

• The ability to use ignorance in an effective way. Some parents are not good at using this type of educational methods, because they are unable to withstand the bouts of anger and screaming that may worsen at the beginning of the neglect before gradually subsiding. The child who screams for his father to take him with him every time he goes out He will cry a lot before he realizes that his crying is of no use and does not attract the attention of his parents.

• Knowing which behaviors are appropriate to ignore. Ignoring is not appropriate with behaviors that involve sabotage, danger, or harm.

• Verify the educator’s ability to continue ignoring if the behavior increases. If the son has become accustomed to crying to get what he wants, can you withstand and continue to hear the crying until the child gets tired of it and knows that you will not respond no matter what, because the weakness of the parents is to resist and respond to the child. Paying attention to his request before the task is completed may exacerbate the problem and give the child longer to persevere to achieve what he wants, knowing that the educator will not last long.

• The possibility of ignoring the behavior everywhere. If this is not possible, it is possible for the child to take advantage of this and perform the behavior in places where you cannot ignore it.

• The neglect is collective in the family, so it is not useful for one person to be ignored and another to pay attention.

The option of corporal punishment is the worst option for disciplining children. Corporal punishment may stop the behavior for some time, but it does not push children to the correct behavior. Rewards, bonuses, and praise when focused on positive behaviors increase the child’s tendency to repeat them. The technique of ignoring is one of the effective educational methods for confronting behavior. Difficult behaviors, the continuation of which could lead to parents becoming stressed, irritable, and abusing their children.

Dr.. Sahar bint Abdul Latif Kurdi

Family and child counselor