Teaching children the basics of choosing friends

Educational skills

Choosing friends is a skill that needs training

God Almighty says: And on the Day when the oppressor bites his hands, he will say, “I wish I had taken a way with the Messenger After he came to me {Al-Furqan: 27-29}.

In the hadith: The example of a good companion and a bad companion is like the bearer of musk and the one who blows the furnace. The bearer of musk will either give you shoes or you will buy from him, or you will find a pleasant scent from him, and the one who blows the furnace will either burn your clothes, or you will find an evil odor from him. agreed.

And also in the hadith: A person follows the religion of his friend, so let each one of you see who he is with. Narrated by Al-Tirmidhi and classed as hasan.

If we contemplate the meanings of these great texts, we will find in them strong directives that indicate the impact of friendship and its great danger. As we always say, “A friend is a friend,” and we also say, “Whoever associates with a people for forty days becomes one of them.” No matter how much effort we make in raising our children on values ​​and moral virtues, there is a competing element in them. Education has a major role in enhancing or opposing our efforts, namely the friend, through what we call unintended learning. Companionship and interaction are a reason for the transmission of morals and personal qualities, whether we like it or not. If we want our educational efforts to bear fruit, we must pay attention to this aspect.

The question is: What educational role should parents play in the issue of choosing friends?

Do we take charge of the matter and maintain control so that our children only accompany those whom we nominate for them?

The educational role is to determine the foundations upon which friends are chosen and children are trained on them from a young age. Observing the friendship relationships that children establish and directing them in appropriate ways. We must teach them the basics and enable them to live the experiences of choice, but before we discuss possible methods for training children to choose friends, it is advisable to point out some aspects that are challenges that must be taken into account:

• Late childhood and adolescence are a critical period in which children aspire to social acceptance from peer groups, and try to fit in with their peers to achieve this. Their adventures and independent activities increase, and then they face parental control and restrictions resulting from the parents’ fear and concern for the soundness of their upbringing. Here we fear for the safety of their upbringing. The relationship with children may reach the point of rejecting directives and rebellion.

• The impact of schools and the children spending extended periods of time ranging from six to seven hours with their friends without significant educational care, which requires parents to double the effort and time needed to confront these competing influences.

• Spending sufficient time with their children: Many parents prefer to spend most of their time on personal interests, not including spending productive time with their children. The truth is that fruitful upbringing takes place through shared life situations, when going out for a walk together or studying, or in family tea sessions. Parents must take care to create such times so that they can strengthen the relationship with their children, correct their behavior, and teach them the etiquette, morals, and skills they need.

• Parents’ attitudes and educational methods: Many parents do not care about the way they deal with educational situations, which can lead to a loss of proper communication with children and a weak ability to influence their behavior. Children must be discussed in a way that makes them feel appreciated and loved, and away from expressions and methods that carry the meaning of accusation. Defaming their friends and exaggerating mistakes, especially with older children.

• Beware that displaying the characteristics of individuals and discussing their qualities in an unintentional way leads us to instill some arrogance, condescension, and dominance in judging and categorizing people, so it must be done wisely.

The most important methods that we can follow in training children to choose friends is to help them determine the qualities that should be looked for in choosing friends, which are represented in two basic aspects:

o Is the pattern of behavior in general consistent with the teachings of Islam? A Muslim should not mix with someone whose behavior is inconsistent with Islam and its morals. Is the person a true believer in his faith? There are skeptics who flounder in their faith. These people are extremely dangerous because of the suspicions they spread.

o Is he the sincere type who can be trusted and trusted, or is it possible for him to stab in the back and deny himself to his friends in difficult times?

o The person’s speech, attitudes, and actions. In the past, the Arabs said: A person is hidden under the fold of his tongue, not under his talisman (the talisman is the outer garment). Hence, what we teach our children when choosing a friend is to pay attention to the verbal styles that appear in a person’s speech: how he expresses himself to others, does he backbite, does he gossip, for these are major afflictions whose harm lies not only in transmitting these characteristics but also in falling victim to them. Is he the type of flatterer who seeks to achieve his interests by flattering people and winning their hearts so that he can then achieve his goals? So one should be careful and stay away from such people, and train children to search for the sincere and honest person who is characterized by generous morals and sincerity of brotherhood.

o Anger and irritability. Associating with such people is transgressive and harmful.

o Is the person materialistic? He looks forward to what is in the hands of others and wants to borrow their things or ask to own them. The danger of accompanying these people will either infect those who accompany them or make him a victim of exploitation by this type of people.

o Does he show intolerance and discrimination against others in his words and actions?

o Is he the type who searches for desires and strives to explore them, through magazines, stories, and pictures? These people may be at risk of harassment.

o Is he the authoritarian, authoritarian type who always wants things to be his way, and who always changes the rules of the game to be the winner? Such people are not fit to be friends.

Some educators wonder: What if my children choose inappropriate friends? The solution starts with inviting them home and getting to know them

 ✓ If your children often choose the wrong friends, be sure to get closer to them and strive to give them appreciation and participation to reduce their search for that with friends, and for them to accept your suggestions for the friendships they form.

✓ We can identify with our children a list of the characteristics of people who are suitable as friends. Here is a list determined by an educator, which represents the most prominent characteristics that indicate what is contained in the individual’s personality of generosity, compassion, sincerity, and discipline.., you can start with it:

▪ They do not exploit their power to harass or assault others.

▪ They are characterized by kindness to animals and compassion to children.

▪ They treat others with respect.

▪ He encourages you, supports you, and rejoices when you win, obtain a high grade, or achieve a goal you aspire to.

▪ They avoid backbiting and remind others of the good in their absence.

▪ They follow the regulations, and do not force you to violate them, or encourage you to lie, cheat, and other wrong behaviors that harm you and others.

 ✓ Children are taught these matters according to the children’s age stage.

✓ Through: There are educational opportunities to discuss these characteristics. When the children return with stories from school and tell of situations and the aggression some students do, then they can be asked questions about their perception of the feelings of the different parties, and what a loyal friend should do in such situations for his friend. What can be done to prevent aggression from occurring against another student?

✓ Have the son talk about the people he enjoys being with, what qualities he likes about them, what makes the company of these people enjoyable.

✓ Encourage children’s participation by narrating situations and stories about loyal friends.

General directions

✓ Pay attention to the way you treat your friends, as the child learns by example.

✓ Help children who complain about not having friends and provide them with opportunities to meet friends by taking them on visits or involving them in clubs or the like. But do not expect your son to enjoy playing with your friends’ children if he does not want to, for souls are conscripted soldiers.

✓ Make your home comfortable for the presence of your children’s friends and provide appropriate means of entertainment to occupy their time with useful things. Do not worry about the number of your children’s friends, as some prefer one loyal friend and others prefer to be with a group.

✓ If your son gets into a quarrel with a colleague and comes to tell you a story, listen carefully and engage with him emotionally, and do not use guidance until the emotions subside. He must be lured in a calm way to identify the mistake and correct the situation, and make him feel confident in dealing with the situations.

✓ Taking into account the reasons for righteousness if we want good friends: the personal qualities that we possess are what attract friends to us. Polite people are attracted to those in whom they find politeness, and righteous people are only attracted to good people. Accordingly, children must be aware that not everyone we deal with We are united by areas of study or activities. He is a good friend. There are people who are sinful and evil, even if they show skill in speech and skill in embellishing words. We must deal with this type according to the need: We must be aware and make our children realize that these principles do not mean that we must boycott or We are hostile to those who do not display the good behaviors that we require in a friend, but rather we must deal with them and be good to them.

Finally, training children to choose friends is necessary, and an important part of our responsibility towards them, and protecting them from what bad company brings, and our example in that is the Prophet, may God bless him and grant him peace, when he directed the Companions through the hadith of a good companion and a bad companion.

Dr.. Sahar bint Abdul Latif Kurdi

Family and child counselor