The skill of transforming positions of disagreement into positions of cooperation

Skills to transform situations of disagreement into situations of cooperation

Most people deal with conflict situations in a (winner-loser) manner, meaning that the situation usually ends with one party winning and the other losing. If we take an example from the reality of dealing with children (performing a task), we will explain how this method is applied. We find that, for example, the mother asks the son to perform a task that he may respond to and the situation ends without disagreement, or he may slow down and object. Then either the mother imposes the task and forces the son to perform it, and the method of winner (the mother) loses (the son) is achieved, or the method of (winner - winner) is used. ) Where you skillfully work to ensure that the son responds without feeling forced, but rather with cooperation. The Messenger of God, may God bless him and grant him peace, gave us the most wonderful examples in his conversation with the young man who asked for permission to commit adultery, but he did not say to him: No, this is forbidden, how dare you make a request like this. Rather, he said - May my father and mother be sacrificed - would you accept it for your mother... for your sister... etc.? So the young man responded obediently and convinced. The following is an explanation of situations in which we can avoid or divert conflict:

The skill of making choices:

When a child has a choice, it helps him commit.

Incorrect practice: The skill of making a choice appears when the mother says: Either you finish your lessons and duties, or you are forbidden from going to visit your cousin.

Correct practice: The mother says: Do you want to do your homework at your room table or the dining table, or the choice is at the time; Do you want to do your homework before or after the afternoon?

Assertiveness skill:

Situation: Your child is jumping on the bed. What is the appropriate behavior?

The firm mother: The bed is not suitable for jumping. The son continues to jump. The mother: She takes him by the hand and takes him out of the room and assures him that the bed is not suitable for jumping and that it is possible to arrange a picnic in which he can jump in the place designated for that.

The permissive mother: She says in passing: Get down, boy. I have told you repeatedly that beds are not for jumping. She calls out from time to time, “Enough, come down,” and then you surrender and remain silent.

The domineering mother shouts: Stop or else..., the son continues to jump, the mother jumps and pulls him from the bed, saying that nothing but punishment will work for you.

Encouragement skill: This skill is done when the mother highlights the positive aspects of the children’s personalities. For example, the son participates in removing the utensils from the table: The mother says, “It is a wonderful behavior that you are proving your cooperation and assistance to your family members. This is the guidance of the Prophet, may God bless him and grant him peace, when he was in his home helping his family.” In every work they do, the son realizes that the mother is paying attention to his achievement, and this helps him increase the positive behavior that the mother encouraged and the sense of his value in the family.

As for the incorrect application of this skill, it is the mother saying: Thank you for your help. Take this candy. This is wrong for two reasons:

The first: The mother did not express praise and did not benefit from the situation in an educational manner. It was necessary to identify the positive aspects.

Second: When material rewards are used constantly, they often give opposite results, as children learn to get something in return and learn to look forward to it instead of looking forward to doing the right thing.

The skill of assuming positive intent:

Situation: Your son pushes his younger sister to pass quickly. Assuming the negative intent, you will say: What is this rudeness? You are rude and? You assume that the son is intentional and rude in his dealings, and the son may not be like that, but rather he is just in a hurry, then he gets emotional and defensive. The other possibility is that the son is intentional, but even in this case, if he finds that you think well of him, he regrets it and works to live up to your expectations.

The situation is based on the positive intention: If the mother wants to pass and there is a person on the way, it is not right for us to push him, as pushing is harmful, and the correct way is to say, “Please make way.” Then the message will get to your son that he is a respectable person, and he made a mistake, and that every person makes a mistake and it is better to tolerate mistakes, and thus our children learn this way of dealing with others.

The skill of feeling feelings: (very important in dealing with emotional outbursts)

Situation: You set an hour for your son to play, and after the specified hour ends, you ask him to stop. He begs you to leave him to continue playing and use all kinds of expressions to make you feel oppressed and deprived. What should you do? Is it better to commit to time or to give it an extra chance?

Of course, adhering to the specified time is better for teaching the son a basic skill in his life, which is discipline and commitment, but such situations require skill in order for the situation to achieve the desired education. You can answer your child:

You look sad and frustrated because you did not finish playing! He says, “You were having fun,” then you answer him. It is difficult to be deprived of completing the fun play, but I love you and I make sure that you complete your duties or that you go to bed early and get enough sleep. Feeling feelings makes you listen to your child, which makes him feel sympathy. Certainly, the child will not become upset. And distress to happiness, but he will learn an important value, which is the value of commitment on the one hand, and the value of feelings and empathy on the other hand, and that frustration and failure to achieve desires is a part of life that must be dealt with. On the contrary, ignoring feelings, such as when the mother says, “I told you to turn off the device and I don’t want to talk a lot,” makes the child feel cruel.

Consequence skill:

Situation: Your child hits his brother. You say, “I cannot imagine what you did. You are deprived of going out with us in the afternoon.”

If the purpose is to frighten the child from repeating bad behavior, then it will be achieved through this method, but if the purpose is for the child to learn to appreciate the consequences, then the correct method is to say: You hit your brother so that he left the game to you. If you hit him again instead of talking to him and coming to an understanding, you will go and spend some time in the living room. Conflict situations are important in learning and are not bad. From them, children learn how to be more experienced and skilled in choosing appropriate and effective reactions when facing life situations, and instilling in the child the ability to take responsibility. And the art of dealing with situations.

Self-control skill:

Conflict situations require self-control, because emotions are transmitted between the two parties and hinder the possibility of resolving the dispute. Do not ask your child to commit to a behavior that you do not adhere to, as it is unreasonable for children to learn anything other than the thing they see represented in front of them as a realistic model. If you say: Do not scream, my dear. Boys and talk quietly.

If you do that, the children will only learn what they see.

Self-control arises from the cognitive ability that no one can make you angry against your will. Anger results from prior thinking and internal preparation and ends with behavior. We can control anger when we settle ourselves into that and begin to contemplate our actions, and when anger begins to seep into our conscience, we stop and correct.

The educator loses the power of influence when he uses the power of authority. Tasks are performed and behavior is shaped according to the presence or absence of authority. If authority is absent, children abandon the actions that were imposed on them by authority, and what they did remains influenced and convinced. Therefore, educators must train themselves to transform situations of disagreement into situations of cooperation so that children’s behaviors are self-regulated.

Dr.. Sahar bint Abdul Latif Kurdi

Family and child counselor